


Daydream Believers

by MelisandreStark



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Acrobatics, Alternate Universe - Circus, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Friends to Lovers, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, Meet-Cute, Mentions of Rape, Multi, barriss is this close to deciding she's in a mass hallucination, i didnt mean to i swear, mature themes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-02
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-15 07:41:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 17,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29805150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MelisandreStark/pseuds/MelisandreStark
Summary: Barriss is, in general, quite a stressed person. So you can imagine how she feels when her mother announces that she's quitting her job to join the circus--you can imagine the pure horror, confusion and shock. What she dismisses as a mistake quickly turns into more than Barriss was expecting.Meanwhile, Luminara finds herself revisiting a lot of her previously unknown past. Some good, some incredible, some terrifying.Ahsoka just wants to eat cake.
Relationships: Barriss Offee/Ahsoka Tano, Obi-Wan Kenobi/Luminara Unduli
Comments: 14
Kudos: 28





	1. before i put on my makeup, i'll say a little prayer for you (because what the FUCK is going on)

**Author's Note:**

> if you want to experience the feelings i was feeling while writing this then play 'say a little prayer for you', 'daydream believer' and 'skeleton song' back to back for five days straight. we'll be there together.
> 
> hope you enjoy

Barriss knows something’s wrong before her mother even opens her mouth.

Most people would probably not understand their parent’s mannerisms as acutely as she does—having very minimal friends she’s found herself spending perhaps a little too much time with her mother over the years—but the fact that she’s unsettled is blatant from her tensed shoulders to the fact that her hands are tucked neatly behind her back to stop Barriss seeing her fidgeting. Luminara Unduli is a respectable, established university professor who, for the most part, understands the world around her— _nothing_ phases her—so to say that Barriss is terrified would be an understatement.

The worst part is that for all the avenues her mind goes down, she cannot imagine what it might be. For most people she imagines these sorts of awkward family meetings tend to be about the loss of a relative, moving house, partying less and studying more but they have no other relatives, Barriss is out of the house most of the time in her third year of med school and has absolutely no issues with working (albeit too hard sometimes) so this has left her completely perplexed.

“Barriss,” Luminara starts, shuffling in the dining chair opposite Barriss’ with a gulp. “There’s something…important we need to talk about.”

The younger woman tugs on her shayla self-consciously, completely unable to meet her mother’s eyeline. Barriss may spend an awful lot of time with her mother, but that doesn’t mean that they’re exactly _open_ with each other. This kind of discussion is uncommon and uncomfortable, which only highlights how important it must be, a fact that manages to make Barriss even _more_ uncomfortable if possible. “Hmm.” She offers in lieu of anything more intelligent.

Luminara clears her throat—Barriss knows her well enough to understand this as stalling. Her mother, too, seems to be struggling. “I…have quit my job.”

At this, Barriss’ head shoots up in shock. Of everything she could have imagined her mother might say, that was _not_ it. “At…at the university?”

Luminara nods. “Yes.” She says gently. “I…well, to be honest Barriss, I was miserable. I love anthropology but it was an unhealthy environment and now that you’re older I want to explore some more…personal interests.”

Hearing this from the most work-driven woman Barriss has ever met is comparable to hearing the government advocate for murder. “You’ve _quit your job?”_

Clearly sensing her overwhelming distress, Luminara places a gentle hand over her daughter’s. “Don’t worry about it, please. I’ve saved more than enough for you to finish your degree comfortably, and it’s not like I don’t have my next place of employment lined up already. It won’t affect your prospects at all, everything is sorted out. I promise.”

The logical reassurance doing its bit to help, Barriss takes a deep breath and nods her head. This is fine—really, it’s not that big of a deal at all if her mother’s just moving to a better university or something. This is _fine._

This train of thought might have been more reassuring if not for Luminara’s guilty expression. “There’s also something else, Barriss. This new job—it means I’m going to be…moving about a bit. I’m not going to sell the house but, well, I won’t be living here for the foreseeable future either. You’re welcome to stay yourself, of course, or you can come with me or…whatever you think is best for you.”

Barriss blinks rapidly as she tries to comprehend what she’s being told. “Are you...going around and doing lectures in lots of universities, then?”

The older woman swallows thickly and lays her hands down on her thighs. “Well.” She bites her lip and looks up. “Not quite. Do you remember when I told you about what I did before—what I did to pay for my own degree before you were born?”

Barriss doesn’t remember, mostly because she doesn’t think her mother has ever actually told her. She knows that her mother was put into the foster care system at a young age and grew very close with some of the people in the same home as her—she remembers meeting one of these friends, not that she remembers his name, when she was about six or seven but aside from the odd vague allusion to her younger years Luminara prefers not to talk about it at all. “Not really.” Barriss says after a moment.

“Oh.” Luminara turns to face her daughter better, clearly forcing herself to make proper eye contact. “Well, my friend Obi-Wan was adopted at sixteen by a man who owned a circus. It was all quite exciting to us at the time and even though he didn’t live with us anymore Quinlan and I would go to the tents to see him every night, and every day too during holidays.”

Whatever she was expecting her mother’s first job to be involved with, a circus certainly wasn’t it. “Did you sell tickets for them, or something?”

“Well, sometimes. Qui-Gon—the man who adopted Obi-Wan and owned the circus—couldn’t afford to hire someone special to sell tickets so we all took turns. I was actually paid for my…act.”

Barriss stares at her. “Your _act?”_

“Yes.” Luminara looks nervous. “I was…an acrobat. Or a contortionist. Depended on the night. I’d always done gymnastics at school but Qui-Gon taught me routines and…well, it was one of the most exciting times of my life.” She smiles wistfully. “I thought I’d stay there forever for a while, I was paying for my degree as insurance, really, but when I became pregnant with you I wanted to give you _more_.” She explains. “I’ve enjoyed my work in anthropology for the most part and having you has been the greatest joy of my life—I wouldn’t change a thing. But now you’re an adult, and Obi-Wan wrote to me recently because, well—” She lingers, forcing a smile and attempting to be somewhat sensitive to the fact that this is the last thing her daughter ever expected.

“You…” Barriss covers her face with her hands as she tries to comprehend what she’s being told. “You’re leaving your job at the university and the house to…be a contortionist at a circus? I’m—I’m not dreaming, am I?”

Luminara chuckles, half in amusement and half in nervousness. “I’m afraid not. I’m…well, I’m heading down to see Obi-Wan tomorrow to get everything sorted out. You can come with me if you like.”

“I…” Barriss intends to just say _yes_ because she’s far too intrigued by the incredulity of it all not to, but something niggling at the back of her mind forces its way up before she can. “But you still do all the stuff?”

“The stuff?”

“Like folding yourself into a box or…whatever it is contortionists and acrobats do.”

Her mother smiles and nods. “Yes, of course—though it has been a while since I did it in front of a crowd. What do you think I’m doing when I go to work out four times a week?”

Barriss had always imagined the gym or running—and is quickly realising that perhaps she never knew her mother half as well as she thought she did.

“I’d…I’d like to go with you.” She says after a long moment, still not entirely sure that what she’s being told is completely true. If nothing else, it’ll get her out of the house—something her mother is constantly advocating for—and introduce her to the world Luminara came from.

* * *

The general rule is that the longer you stay on camp, the bigger your tent is. It’s practicality more than anything else—Ahsoka herself had to share a tent with Anakin for a while until, after walking in on him and Padmé for a third time she’d expressed how torturous the arrangement was and Obi-Wan had let her have her own. It might have been annoying for her at first, but over time she’s come to appreciate being a certified and significant part of the family in this way. Some acts come and go but the important ones stick around—those are the types of people who deserve the nicer tents.

It’s this whole idea that’s got her confused as she sticks poles in the ground with Anakin as they begin the construction of a tent that’s just a smidgen bigger than her own for a new person. She groans as her foot gets stuck in the tarp on the floor and tries to kick it away.

Anakin snorts, slamming a pole into the ground. “Settle down, Snips. Obi-Wan will kill you if you get a hole in that.”

The younger girl rolls her eyes. “If we were doing one of the normal tents we’d be done by now, you know. I don’t get why we’re going to all this trouble for a newbie.”

“Special request from the general.” Anakin’s tone rings with a fake severity. “And when I spoke to Vos earlier, he might have implied that it’s not quite a stranger joining. Rather, someone special returning.” He winks, and Ahsoka gasps.

“Is this like…an ex- _girlfriend?!”_

Anakin shushes her. “He didn’t say _that,_ but I read between the lines. All I know officially is that Obi-Wan’s hired a new contortionist acrobat.”

“Really?” Ahsoka raises an eyebrow. “We haven’t had one of those in a while.”

“Good ones are hard to come by. There aren’t a ton of people with that kind of talent who want to be hired by a minor travelling circus, I guess. Sounds like a personal favour to me, but who knows.”

At that, Padmé runs up behind her boyfriend and wraps her arms around his shoulders, pressing a kiss to his jaw. Ahsoka fakes a gag as the pair chuckle, Anakin spinning around to greet her properly. Padmé isn’t officially part of the troupe—she’s actually a politics student at a university nearby their current location—but spends enough time with them that she might as well be. Ahsoka once tried to wrangle a skill out of her so she could join them for a show one night, but for all her unending intellect Padmé wasn’t bred for their kind of obscure entertainment as much as she enjoys it.

“I saw two strangers go into Obi-Wan’s tent.” She tells them. “I’d bet one of them is the new acrobat.”

Ahsoka perks up at that. “Did you get a good look?”

Padmé shakes her head. “I’m afraid not, but I didn’t recognise either of them at all.” She pauses, and a sinister grin creeps over her lips. “But we _could_ always go and have a listen. The tarps are quite thin.”

Anakin laughs and kisses her on the cheek. “You’ve been spending _way_ too much time with me.”

Ahsoka drops the pole she was about to put down and grins. “I’ll race you there.”

By the time they get to Obi-Wan’s tent, which is all the way across the field, whatever meeting was going on seems to be still in progress. It’s a windy day and therefore hard to make out exactly what they’re saying from the outside, so the trio lay down on the grass to discreetly lift up the tarp. To their surprise, there’s the distinct sound of laughter ringing throughout the tent.

“Ah, I’ve missed you.” They hear Obi-Wan say. “Vos will be back tomorrow morning; we must go out together.”

“Still juggling, is he?”

“Mhmm. Only now he does it on a unicycle.”

“Very impressive.” The voice is feminine and posh, which takes Ahsoka by surprise. Padmé aside, most of the people working at the circus don’t come from particularly wealthy backgrounds but all she can think about what she hears that voice is Cambridge or Oxford. “I always thought he’d manage to make it more complicated—as if the five flaming sticks weren’t complicated enough already.”

“There have been plenty of changes over the years.” At that, Obi-Wan sounds a little sadder for reasons Ahsoka can’t quite decipher. “I was thinking that we’d—”

The sound of someone clearing their throat startles the three of them, and Ahsoka’s head shoots up to see an unfamiliar face with her arms crossed giving them an unimpressed glare. Ahsoka has the decency to look embarrassed, as does Padmé, but Anakin doesn’t even let it phase him. “Good morning!” He says, flashing her a winning smile that has absolutely no affect.

“I was _supposed_ to find someone called Ahsoka.” The girl says.

Ahsoka raises her hand guiltily. “That would be me.”

The girl raises an eyebrow. “Mr Kenobi said you’d be setting up mother’s tent. Can you take me to it?”

“Of course!” Ahsoka shoots to her feet, almost tripping over Anakin as she makes her way over to the stranger. “We were just, uh—we were just making sure that Obi-Wan’s tent was properly secured. You can never be too certain when the wind starts to pick up, am I right?”

The girl hums in acknowledgement, though clearly doesn’t believe her. Ahsoka swallows nervously. “Uh, we’re headed that way. I’m sure my friends here can find _something else to be working on right now._ ”

Anakin makes no effort to move, but Padmé clearly gets the message and drags him away from the meeting. Now alone and headed to the other side of the field, Ahsoka musters the courage to clear her throat and properly introduce herself. “I’m Ahsoka Tano. Obi-Wan’s kind of like my dad, I guess—and I do tightrope. Padmé mentioned that you’re an acrobat?”

“I’m Barriss.” She says. “My mother’s the acrobat, apparently—I’m not staying.”

Ahsoka raises an eyebrow. “’Apparently’?”

“She told me she used to be one of the acts here a long time ago.” Barriss tells her. “But I’ve never actually _seen_ her do—yes, she’s an acrobat.”

“Okay.” Clearly there’s something weird going on about her mother’s new occupation, but Ahsoka’s not going to press. “You know you can stay anyway if you like? Some of the performer’s families stay with the group too, which is always sweet. And it would be nice to have a girl about my age who’s not Anakin’s girlfriend hang out with more. And even then, Padmé’s like eight years older than me.”

“I don’t think so. I’ve got to go back to school after the summer.”

“Oh, cool! What are you studying?”

“Medicine.” Barriss tells her.

Ahsoka’s eyes widen in surprise. “Boy, you must be smart then.”

At that, the other girl does flush slightly. “Well, it’s not quite comparable to walking a tightrope.”

They reach the ring of poles sticking up in the air and Ahsoka smiles triumphantly. “This, in a few short hours, will be your mother’s tent. Enough from for you too if you ever wanted to stay.”

Barriss blinks. “It’s…nice?”

“It’ll be nicer when it’s done.” Ahsoka assures her, sitting herself down on the grass with a gentle thud. Barriss raises an eyebrow carefully. “It’s not wet, I promise.” The performer taps the grass next to her, and her companion sits down by her with slow, calculated movements. “Obi-Wan might be a while, especially if your mum and him are old friends.”

“They are.” Barriss confirms.

“What’s her name if you don’t mind me asking? I might recognise it.”

“Luminara Unduli.” Barriss tells her, and Ahsoka’s eyes widen. “Is that familiar to you?”

“Are you kidding? She’s on the wall!” Ahsoka stands back up and offers her hand to Barriss. “I thought she was dead or something ‘cause Obi-Wan doesn’t ever really talk about her, but I always thought she looked super pretty. That’s crazy—I’ll have to ask him about it.”

Ahsoka takes off in run still grasping Barriss hand—which takes the older girl by surprise, but she quickly catches up with Ahsoka’s pace—and pulls her into the largest pin striped show tent. If Barriss has ever been to the circus before then she doesn’t remember it because the inside of the tent takes her by surprise. There’s a round stage area surrounded by stacks of hay bales around as seating and lights secured to the tents metal frame. The set of surprisingly luxurious red curtains that seem to cut off two thirds of the way into the tent, and Ahsoka pulls her right through them backstage.

“Obi-Wan keeps what he calls the ‘wall of fame’ back here.” Ahsoka explains. “He didn’t start it—Qui-Gon did, before he passed away—so it goes way back.” They reach a corner wall which has about thirty photo frames on it of various performers. Barriss sees a picture in the top corner labelled Qui-Gon of a man in a ringmaster’s outfit and a topknot—he’s smiling at the camera and has an air of calm to his expression.

“Did you know him?” Barriss asks, gesturing to the photo.

“I think I met him once but I don’t remember. So, no.” Ahsoka shakes her head. “But Anakin did—Anakin’s the other idiot who was on the floor with me earlier, by the way. He’s like my big brother.” She points to a picture of a young woman hanging down on a string of red silk—her legs in a full split and her hair wrapped in red fabric. Barriss squints and, through layers of makeup, just makes out a very young version of her mother.

“Oh my god!” She explains, leaning closer. “That _is_ her!”

“We haven’t had many good acrobats since. Apparently, Obi-Wan and her used to do an act on the trapeze together, but he hasn’t actually done it in years.” Ahsoka tells her.

Barriss intends to reply but can’t, so baffled is she by that picture of her mother. She has never asked much about her mother’s life before her birth because it never occurred to her that their lives might be so drastically different. In the same way, she has never asked about her father or given the circus more than a minute but this whole incredulous situation has opened her up to a plethora of questions.

“Sorry,” She says, shaking her head. “I just…well, to be honest, this is all a little odd for me. I didn’t know my mother had even been near a circus until yesterday morning.”

Ahsoka frowns. “Really? If I ever left, it’s hardly something I could ever forget about.”

The med-student considers that, and hums in agreement. “You wouldn’t think so, would you?”

* * *

Luminara stays with her old friend for the best part of the afternoon, signing her contract and sorting the logistics, pledging her time and performance to Obi-Wan for the next six months. Being around him reminds her how happy she had once been before everything stagnated in research and teaching—which she does have a genuine passion for, but over the years ended up rather sucking the life out of her. Companionship, perhaps, is the thing she has truly been missing.

And yet, despite all the years passed, her and Obi-Wan giggle together like they’re two seventeen-year-old fools smoking behind the show tent.

“You know, I’m pretty sure Vos has still got some of your costumes somewhere.” Obi-Wan tells her, leaning back in his chair.

Luminara snorts. “I’m not sure what fitted me at seventeen will fit now.”

“You wound yourself, my lady!” Obi-Wan feigns outrage. “You are as youthful as ever.”

“Right.” She rolls her eyes. “Still, it would be nice to see them. Does he have the red one? With the gold? That was always my favourite.”

“I think so. You could always give them to your daughter if you’d rather try something new.”

Luminara is quick to shake her head. “Oh no, I don’t think my leotards are quite Barriss’ style.” The thought seems to amuse her, and she laughs to herself. “Not _at all._ She’d probably have a seizure at the mere suggestion.”

“Not following your footsteps, then?”

“I doubt she can fold herself into a cardboard box, if that’s what you mean.” She snorts in a rather unladylike manner. “But she is very studious. Perhaps too…” Luminara trails off and then shakes her head. “Very clever. She’ll be a doctor before long, so it’s reassuring to know I’ll have an expert on standby when I break my back.”

“Very useful.” Obi-Wan nods in agreement and stands up. “And as much as I’d like to spend the rest of today and tonight with you here, I did promise you a tent, and a tent I shall show you. I’ve got Anakin and Ahsoka putting it up though, full disclosure, I seriously doubt it’s done.”

She nods. “I could have done it myself, you know. No need to put them to so much trouble—I’m not so old that I don’t remember how shove poles in the ground and throw a tarp over them.”

“And what sort of gentleman would that make me, to make you put up your own tent for your first night?” He gives her a wink which makes her chuckle, and they link arms as they head out of his tent and across the field.

“So tell me about your not-so-young children.” Luminara says as they start to walk. She is rather ashamed to admit that her correspondence with her old friend has been limited to the odd letter every few years, so while she’s aware of the children Obi-Wan has adopted into his family over the years she knows little more about them than the fact that they exist. Obi-Wan had seen Barriss briefly when she was a newborn but since then they hadn’t seen each other at all. Vos had been for a single visit when Barriss was much younger, but Luminara doubts her daughter remembers it.

Obi-Wan nods dutifully. “Anakin is the eldest—American, both of them, but we can forgive their shortcomings—and Ahsoka will be twenty in December. You’ll get to know them well enough soon I’m sure, but for reference Anakin is the ridiculously tall craftsman, and Ahsoka’s the girl with blue bits in her hair.”

They arrive at the barely put up tent and Luminara chuckles. He sighs and shakes his head. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

Covering her mouth with her hand, Luminara shakes her head. “It’s not that. It’s that—dear Obi-Wan—you seem to have given me one of the _large_ tents.”

Cursing his ginger Scottish heritage, Obi-Wan vehemently tries to bury his flush. “Well, you know. You’re hardly a stranger.”

“Perhaps to _you._ ” She smiles. “I don’t imagine Ahsoka and Anakin are too thrilled about putting up a large tent for a woman they’ve never met.”

He huffs. “Clearly not. But they’ll grow to love you in a few days inevitably. How could they not? You’re you.”

She rolls her eyes, mutters “I doubt it” and then pulls away from him. He finds himself beaming as she picks up the nearest pole and thrusts it into the ground with surprising strength, a command on her lips and a sparkle in her eyes that has long been lost.

* * *

It’s a week before Barriss actively thinks about the circus again. Not because it’s easy to forget about—in fact, the opposite is true, it’s been extremely hard to keep her mind off it—but when her mother sends her an invite to her first show in three weeks’ time with a series of unrelated emojis Barriss find she cannot put it off having a serious think about the entire situation any longer.

Really, it doesn’t concern her at all. She’s an adult now—a stable job is waiting for her once she graduates and she’s still got the house to live in while her mother’s gone. And a huge part of Barriss is still in denial about the entire thing anyway (there’s absolutely no way she’s going to believe that her mother is an acrobat until she sees it an action, ever the empiricist).

Her mind drifts to the girl who showed her around, Ahsoka. She looked like how Barriss imagines art students do, which the spurts of blue in her hair and a bright, loud choice of clothes. It’s normally the kind of person Barriss would try to avoid, for all she might like to say she doesn’t judge people on appearance, because she’s vaguely aware of the kinds of trouble the arty types can get themselves into. In retrospect that might be a bit harsh, but Barriss has never been particularly been adventurous and Ahsoka, her mother’s new life—a _circus_ —is nothing if not an adventure.

Staying at the circus had never even been a consideration for Barriss, for all her mother had seemed disappointed about it. It’s the summer but she’s still got things to do, classes to get ahead on and placements to find—no time for cavorting with dancers and jugglers and ringmasters.

Or so she tells herself.

The truth is that Barriss is quite delighted when she gets the invitation. This way she can go back having been invited, not because she’s _lonely_ (which she is, without her mother) but to support a family member. And it might be a chance to talk to some people that aren’t familial or professors, since she’s long since chased her childhood friends away with delayed responses and has had no luck in making any new ones.

She ends up replying to her mother that she’ll come a week early, making an excuse about wanting to get some fresher air and making sure her mother doesn’t break any bones. Luminara dutifully believes her and promises to set up a separate room in her tent (those who aren’t acts are not permitted to have their own tents, she informs Barriss, but they’ll have privacy enough).

They plan for Barriss to meet Luminara at the train station (she never did get around to getting her driver’s licence) for her to be picked up. Barriss glances to her watch and looks out for her mother’s familiar Audi patiently. When, instead, she sees a familiar blue haired figure honk the horn of a crusty red bug her surprise is palpable. “Come on in!” Ahsoka says. “Obi-Wan’s cooking tonight and I really don’t want to let Anakin get all the chips.”

Barriss blinks dumbly. “My mother’s not coming?”

“Nope.” Ahsoka shakes her head. “She’s helping Obi-Wan chop potatoes. She was gonna come but when I heard I could be driving instead if chopping I ran.” She smiles. “Sorry to disappoint.”

“No! You don’t—I mean, it’s fine, you’re fine, I just wondered.” Barriss says, cursing her inability to play any change in plans coolly. “Can I put my case in the back?”

“Go for it.” Ahsoka nods. “The door’s a little stiff so really yank it.”

Barriss eventually settles in the passenger seat next to Ahsoka, trying not to visibly grimace at all the sweet wrappers and parking permits all over the dashboard and floor. “This isn’t my car.” Ahsoka says, as if in her own defence, as she pulls out. “It’s Anakin’s, supposedly ‘temporary’ until he finishes building his own one. He’s been working on it for years, though, so I’d say this is probably the permanent.”

The med-student nods, not entirely sure how to respond. She’d say ‘it’s not so bad’, but would be lying, so opts to remain silent.

“Oh, I like this one!” Ahsoka says, turning the radio dial up as it plays _Daydream Believer._ Barriss raises her eyebrow in surprise, and the younger girl laughs. “Don’t judge me! Obi-Wan’s been playing his old songs for so long that at this point they’re second nature.”

“It’s not that.” Barriss smiles shyly. “It’s just that my Mum loves this song too. She’s got the record and everything.”

Ahsoka snorts. “ _God,_ they’re so _old._ Here’s the chorus!” She clears her throat before belting: “Cheer up, sleepy Jean, oh what can it mean? That to a daydream believer and a homecoming queen!” She glances to Barriss and grins. “Come on, I bet you know it.”

Barriss looks forward. “I really can’t sing.”

“And you think I can?”

Barriss can attest that no, Ahsoka can’t really sing, so is happy enough to join in quietly enough at first before shouting her lungs off with a girl who’s practically a stranger in the disgusting car.


	2. skeleton, when we were young, it was easy (so why are things so weird now?)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> luminara works on her routine, while barriss spends the day with a new friend.
> 
> this chapter is dedicated to the many colin the caterpillar's me and my brother have eaten since 2006

Barriss arrives to the smell of a barbeque, and a group of laughing people a little way away. Ahsoka leads her to Luminara’s tent to drop off her suitcase before moving to join them. Her mother is clearly pleased to see her, stepping away from a taller man she was talking with to offer her a warm look. “Barriss.” She hesitates for only for a split second before pulling her in for a hug. “I’m sorry I didn’t come and get you myself. Ahsoka got her licence a few weeks ago and has been grasping every opportunity to drive since.”

“It’s fine. She’s nice.” Barriss tells her. Something unfamiliar sparkles in Luminara’s eyes, but it disappears as quickly as she saw it.

“This is a good chance to introduce you to everybody.” Luminara quickly says, glancing to the man she had been talking to. He’s tall and very muscular, with an amused stare and long locs around his shoulders. “This is Quinlan Vos. He came round once when you were little, but you probably don’t remember.”

“Nice to meet you.” He inclines his head and flashes her a white grin. “You wanna hear about the time me and your Mum and me got absolutely wasted and stole three goats from a kiddie farm?”

Luminara’s eyes flash with anger and she elbows the taller man. “Please ignore him, Barriss.”

Quinlan chuckles. “So, you’re not familiar with Lumi’s troubled youth then?”

Barriss is somewhere between horrified and fascinated at the thought of what that story could entail, and to what extent it’s true. “Not at all.”

“ _Ignore_ him.” Luminara repeats, turning her daughter away from her laughing friend who walks off to find something else to drink. She points to a mostly familiar group of people standing, and apparently pestering Obi-Wan near the barbeque. “That’s Ahsoka, of course, who you know and Anakin, with his girlfriend Padmé. You recognise Obi-Wan. Aayla is by the cooler with Kit and Plo, and then that’s Depa is over on the grass with little Caleb, Cal and Trilla. They’re not acts of course—Caleb’s her son, and the other two come from…” She pauses for a moment, swallowing. “The same home Obi-Wan, Quinlan and I came from. This is the location where we all first met Qui-Gon. I’m sure you’ll find the others eventually, everyone’s sort of mingling at the moment.”

Barriss nods, trying to retain as much of that as she can. Truth be told, she hadn’t known this was so close to where her mother originally comes from so finds herself almost relaxing in that knowledge. It’s nice to be somewhere familiar to her mother, that means something to her even if Barriss still doesn’t know much about it.

She follows her mother towards the grill where the red-haired ringmaster is batting Anakin’s hand away from a sausage. “What have I told you about stealing half cooked food, Anakin Skywalker?” He warns, to which the young man rolls his eyes.

“You’ve got to admire that a million times getting food poisoning still hasn’t put him off.” Ahsoka says, glancing at a burger longingly.

“I’m not having anyone vomiting or shitting uncontrollably tonight, thank you, so can you call bugger off?” Barriss hears her mother sigh with exasperation (even though she looks a little amused) as Ahsoka notices them and winks.

“For the record, the uncontrollable shitting is only Anakin.” The girl says, which earns her whack on the shoulder from Anakin who turns to start denying it to a bemused Padmé.

Obi-Wan rolls his eyes, flipping some chicken wings and peppers. “You must think so ill of us, Barriss. I deeply apologise.”

“He’s not sorry!” Ahsoka whispers loudly, and Barriss laughs under her breath.

“If I’d thought you’d all present yourselves as such dolts I wouldn’t have invited Barriss at all.” Luminara sighs, plucking a rogue prawn from the grill and taking a bite. Anakin glares in indignation, pointing his finger accusingly.

“Obi-Wan, how is that fair?”

“Are you a Lady, Anakin?” Obi-Wan asks, crossing his arms over his _kiss the cook_ apron. Anakin huffs in annoyance. “Didn’t think so.”

Ahsoka perks up. “Can I have something then, as a _Lady?”_

Obi-Wan snorts, shaking his head and throwing her a lettuce leaf from the side of his foldup counter. “Don’t make me laugh. Why don’t you all run off and keep yourselves occupied until I’m done—you heathens are nothing but a nuisance over here.” His expression softens when he turns to Barriss. “Except you, Barriss, of course. We’re delighted to have you here. But I doubt you want to spend your time with ancients like your mother and I.”

“We can have a go on the trapeze, if you want. We got it set up properly yesterday.” Ahsoka offers, and while Barriss has absolutely no intention of swinging on anything, she’s finds herself excited to spend more time with someone who’s actually her own age. They all take off together towards the show tent.

Luminara, for her part, is absolutely delighted to see her daughter making a friend that’s not a textbook. She takes Obi-Wan’s hand and squeezes it for good measure, which she might have gotten away with were it not for Quinlan’s quiet approach.

“So are you guys having sex again, then?”

She jumps away from Obi-Wan and groans, rolling her eyes. “Can’t you just approach us like a normal person for once?”

Quinlan, grinning, shakes his head and pulls a pack of tobacco from his pocket, with paper and filters. “You want me to roll you one?”

Rolling her eyes, Luminara nods before hesitating. “Actually, I better not. Barriss is here.”

“I’ll roll you one.” Quinlan replies, smiling. “Anyway, back to the previous riveting topic—are you two shagging again?”

“What happens in the privacy in my bedroom is absolutely none of your business.” Luminara replies indignantly as Obi-Wan focusses on his grill. “But, _no._ We’re not. That was a very _long_ time ago Quin—we’re hardly going to…cavort like the children we were back then.”

“Sure, sure.” Quinlan passes her a cigarette which she accepts gingerly, glancing around for any sight of her daughter. “Does this mean that I’ve got a chance now?” He tosses her the lighter which she uses anxiously.

“Not a chance in hell. Some people have standards, Quinlan.” Obi-Wan chimes in, flashing him an annoyed look. Quinlan finishing rolling his own and grins, leaning forward on against the counter.

Luminara, oblivious of what passes between then, glances towards the tent where Ahsoka and Barriss have gone off to. “Ahsoka’s awfully sweet. I do hope that Barriss takes a liking to her, then maybe she’ll stay all summer. God knows she could use some more friends.”

“I would have thought there’d be some intense comradery between all those little baby doctors.” Quinlan says, taking a long drag.

The woman hums with a frown, offering Obi-Wan a plate to put the cooked wings on. “Perhaps for others. She wants to get into cardiac surgery, which is one of the most competitive fields—I’m not sure ‘comradery’ has really been a priority.”

“I’m sure she’ll make it, Luminara. She seems a bright girl.”

“Oh, it’s not her being successful in her field that concerns me.” She sighs, setting the plate down. “How long until it’s all done, Obi-Wan?”

They call everyone over and have a predicably delightful time, to Luminara’s hidden delight Ahsoka decides to sit by her new friend and share a bag of flying saucers one most of the food is gone (Luminara crushes her cigarette under her foot well before Barriss has the chance to see it). Her daughter doesn’t look entirely comfortable yet, and it’s clear that Ahsoka is doing the bulk of the talking, but it’s he most she’s seen Barriss smile in a long time, so she’s smiling too.

“My compliments to the chef.” She says once they’re all done from her spot on a log next to Obi-Wan. “I forgot how good of a cook you were.”

“That’s much appreciated.” Obi-Wan mimes tipping his hat to her. “Though I must say, none of it would have been possible without your precise vegetable cutting.”

Saying nothing, but amused, Luminara leans her head against his shoulder. “I really missed this, you know.” She whispers after a long moment.

He gives her hand a squeeze. “I missed you, too.”

* * *

Barriss is, by nature, an early riser. Perhaps this didn’t always come to her naturally, but years of waking promptly as half past six at the sound of her alarm has set her body clock for that time. It is in this knowledge that the cow bell that’s being bashed rather horridly loudly at the crack of dawn really shouldn’t rattle her as much as it does.

She startles up with such gusto that she’s knocked completely off the camp bed with an uncomfortable thud and groans. It takes her a full minute to realise that she’s stayed in a tent, in a field, that houses the mysterious circus that her mother abandoned her university job for. Blinking several times, Barriss pulls herself into a sitting position and winces at the continued rattling of the cow bell outside.

“Can I come in Barriss?” Her mother’s gentle, albeit slightly groggy voice sounds from the other side of the divider.

“Yes.” She manages, swallowing thickly and rubbing her eyes.

Luminara steps in lightly, still in her nightdress with her hair in a knot at the back of her head. It occurs to Barriss that, given both of their previously hectic schedules, she hasn’t seen her mother in this almost vulnerable, early state in…well, for a year at least. “I just wanted to let you know that there’s a shower hose in the green tent, so if you want to wash you can. There’s always a communal breakfast, but I normally just stay here by myself. Too many people too early.” She smiles a little. “I’ve got some blueberries and yoghurt if you’d like.”

The thought of facing a group of practical strangers at this time, her mother and maybe Ahsoka aside, does sound quite terrible to Barriss so she nods gratefully. “I’ll just get ready. We can…eat together?”

“That would be nice. I’ll leave you to it.” Luminara nods, stepping back out.

Taking a deep breath, grateful that the bell has finally stopped, Barriss stands up and stretches. She’s not entirely sure what the day to day activities of a circus are, though imagines it’ll probably be a lot of rehearsal since they’re open to the public in a week now. Fishing through her suitcase, she picks out a pretty blue summer dress and matches the rest of her outfit to it—she thinks it looks nice, but is basing that entirely on the pocket mirror she brought with her for lack of anything bigger.

She finds her mother dressed and setting cutlery on her little foldup table in the main tent space. It’s taken a little time to get used to seeing Luminara in anything but the customary formal attire of her previous life, but it’s nice to see her look so comfortable in leggings and a sports top. Barriss accepts a bowl gratefully. “Are you practicing your…act today?”

Luminara nods. “Yes. I think I’ve got the aerial stuff all sorted so today I’m working on floor routine with Quinlan. I think it’ll be fun. Though Obi-Wan mentioned something about sending someone into town to put up more posters so I might end up doing that too.”

Barriss nods slowly. “I’m…struggling to picture most of this, to be honest. But I’m sure you’re very good.” She hesitates a moment, before adding, “Ahsoka showed me the picture of you in the show tent. You were…different.”

Her mother chuckles, but it feels a little forced as she pushed the berries in her bowl around. “Yes, that was quite a while ago. It was my last show when that was taken, I was nineteen.”

Barriss cocks her head to the side slightly, worried that her generally private mother might not take too well to probing. “Why did you leave?”

Luminara is quiet for so long after that that Barriss is convinced that she’s not going to reply. She eventually says, “I left and moved to Cambridge to finish my degree and do my Master’s.” She then pauses, contemplative. “And because…of you.”

“Me?”

Luminara nods. “That show, my last one, was the night I found out I was pregnant with you. The second I found out…well, I knew this wasn’t exactly the perfect environment for raising a child. I wanted to give a kind of stability that I never had.” She quickly drops her spoon and stands up. “Well, I better get going. I need to see Obi-Wan about costuming and…things. I’ll see you later, Barriss.”

She would have liked to enquire further, but Barriss knows her mother well enough to see when she doesn’t want to talk something anymore. She’s always known that her mother had her young—she was twenty when Barriss was born—and that her father was out of the picture, but this is the most real information she’s had about who he could possibly be in…well, ever. If her mother doesn’t want to talk about it, maybe Quinlan or Obi-Wan will know some more.

Deciding to do more with that information later, Barriss finishes her breakfast thoughtfully and then goes out to the pump to wash the bowls out where she finds Anakin scrubbing some sort of tool on the floor. He smiles at her approach. “Hey, Barriss. Beautiful day, isn’t it?”

She nods. “It is.”

“Quinlan broke his unicycle, so he’s got me fixing it.” He says, holding up a rusty wrench. “My tools are kinda gross ‘cause I was working on the car last night though. Thought I’d better give them a wash.”

Barriss rinses the bowls out and decides she should probably try and make some sort of conversation. “Ahsoka mentioned you were rebuilding a car.”

He nods. “Yeah, it’s gonna be great. It’s called Threepio. I’m real close to getting it done, it’ll be Padmé’s birthday present. Not really a surprise…but I think she’ll like it anyway.”

“I’m sure she will. It’s a wonderful gift.” Barriss tells him, which seems to reassure him.

Seemingly satisfied with the wrench, he moves onto a screwdriver. “Are you any good with building stuff? If you’re not doing anything, I could use a hand setting Ahsoka’s tower up in the show tent this afternoon.”

“I’m afraid I don’t have much experience, but I’d like to be useful where I can.” She replies. “And…Ahsoka’s tower?”

“She didn’t tell you? She’s out resident tightrope walker.” Anakin says, not even looking up. “Her Grandad, Plo, used to do it before he retired—he just does out finances now, sweet as he is. She’s been doing since before she could walk.”

Remembering Ahsoka mentioning it, Barriss nods. “Of course. I’m sorry, this is all very new to me.”

“That’s alright. But if you do want to help, I’d only set you on the easy stuff, I promise.” He grins at her. “If Padmé can do it—my beautiful, amazing girlfriend who’s only broken down three towers just before I finished them—then it should be no trouble for you.”

“That sounds grea—”

“Barriss!”

She turns to find a cheerful looking Ahsoka jogging up to her. The older girl perks up unconsciously.

Ahsoka arrives to the pump and then kneels over, out of breath, sticking up her index finger to give her a second. “Two things: first, Skyguy, can I borrow your car?” He throws her the keys and she winks in thanks. “Second, I’m headed out to stick up flyers. I was wondering if you might wanna come with me, Barriss? I need to get some stuff while we’re there too if that’s cool.”

“That sounds like fun.” Barriss nods. “Let me just get my phone? I’ll meet you by the car.”

Ahsoka gives her a salute. “Yes, ma’am.”

* * *

“And then I throw these to Aayla,” Quinlan says, throwing the six batons he had been juggling high in the air and across the ring to his French protégé who receives them well. “Of course, they’ll be on fire in the real thing. And that’s when you can get down.”

Luminara, who is holding herself up from two standing poles with her legs bent all the way around her head, nods before propelling herself back up into a full handstand and jumping down. “That works. And about costume and makeup…”

“Well, Aayla’s out makeup artist extraordinaire.” Quinlan says, to which the French girl mock bows dramatically with three batons in each hand.

“I was thinking just dark lips, and big, dark eyes.” Aayla adds. “But the colour is up to you. You’ll have to pick a costume for it to match with—Quinlan’s still got some of your old ones, which we can let out a little if they don’t quite fit, or you can use one of mine.”

“I’d recommend that red one.” Quinlan stage whispers. Luminara is a slight creature and doubts any of Aayla’s costumes will fit her give that she’s taller and significantly curvier, so finally relents and asks Quin to fetch the old costumes he’s been hoarding. She takes the opportunity to retire to the corner of the tent and set down in a pike on a yoga mat.

Perhaps in another world where she had been born with more opportunity, she would have been a ballerina or a proper gymnast. She’s generally very content with how her life has turned out and tends to think pondering what could have been never leads to anything positive, but it’s always inevitable at times. So lost in her thoughts is she that she doesn’t hear Obi-Wan come into the tent behind her in all his ringmaster regalia.

She eventually notices as she pushes herself into a crab and catches a glimpse behind her, biting her lip to stop herself laughing. He clearly notices, and grins.

“I see you still have no love for this outfit, then.”

Luminara pushes herself back up to standing and goes to him properly, brushing some non-existent dust off his shoulder. “This isn’t quite the same as Qui-Gon’s. But I still reckon it makes you look like a nutcracker.”

He holds his hands out and spins. “Are you trying to suggest nutcrackers aren’t sexy as hell?”

“Absolutely!” She scoffs. “But I will admit the hat makes you look rather gentlemanly.”

Grasping the hat’s rim with the tip of his fingers, he bows his head to her with a playful expression. “I’ll take what I can get.”

She snatches the hat off his head and starts to play with the label on the inside. “Am I to assume you’ve officially retired from the trapeze, then? It’s been mostly unused, Ahsoka bouncing of the net aside.”

“You assume correctly, I’m afraid.” He says. “I’m not as dexterous as I once was. My talents are better spent elsewhere.”

She raises an eyebrow and smirks. “Is that code for ‘you’ve let yourself go’?”

Obi-Wan gasps in faux offense. “Such a remark! I’ll have you know I am as in shape as I ever was, thank you.”

Luminara rolls her eyes. “I did forget the dramatics of all you showmen.”

“You say that as if you’re not one of us.” Obi-Wan smiles. “Anyway, I didn’t come to see you just to be made fun of, as much as I enjoyed this. I actually wanted to ask…” His expression falls a little, like he’s nervous, which makes Luminara slightly concerned since ‘nervous’ is almost never something she would associate with her oldest friend. “If you’d like, then maybe, you’d want to go to dinner with me tonight?”

She blinks in surprise. “With Quin too?”

He flushes a little. “No. Just…you and me.”

She had taken all of Quinlan’s jokes about them shagging yesterday as just that, _jokes,_ and is suddenly very concerned that he took it seriously. She loves Obi-Wan more than she’s ever loved another man—but never in the way he’s wanted her to, at least, she doesn’t think so. It’s true that they fooled around a little as teenagers, but it was never _serious,_ she never thought of him as the dating type.

That said, this could just be an invitation to have dinner with a friend. Perhaps she’s completely overthinking it all. It’s been just over twenty years since they were last together properly, and her hectic rehearsal schedule hasn’t really allowed for much time to just catch up. She would _love_ to spend some time with him, talk about everything and nothing—just be together. She would not love to give him the wrong idea.

Luminara Unduli does not date anymore, and she most certainly does not have boyfriends (she likes not to mention the brief relationship she had with a lovely female sociology professor ever is possible). If that’s even a remote possibility, then the responsible to do is to shut that down right now.

And yet, whatever his intentions, Obi-Wan looks so hopeful before her. Like he did the first time he asked her to play in their overcrowded house, like he did when he’d ask her for help with his schoolwork, when he’d first asked her to come to the circus and try things out. So, against her better instincts, Luminara’s lips tug up into a gentle smile and tell him, “Sure.”

He’s never looked happier, and she’s suddenly worried she’s made a terrible mistake. “Great! I know just the place!”

Quinlan and Aayla return with handfuls of costumes and stage makeup, so she looks to Obi-Wan apologetically. “I should probably let them use me as a mannequin for a while.”

He nods. “Of course! I’ll see you later.”

“See you.” Her gaze lingers, and she tries to take her mind off him as he leaves.

* * *

Chewing on a handful of jelly babies as she pastes a poster on the glass of a closed down shop, Ahsoka glances towards the bright Lego watch she’s been wearing for a good ten years. “We’ve still got an hour before I need to be back and we’ve covered all the usual spots, and I got what I needed.” She picks another yellow sweet from her pocket—those being what she needed. “Anyplace you wanna go?”

Barriss shrugs. “I don’t know. I don’t mind, whatever you want.”

The younger girl considers it. “Do you wanna get a Colin the caterpillar and eat him in the park?”

It’s fair to say of all things Barriss thought Ahsoka might suggest, that wasn’t it. Of course she knows exactly what a Colin is—the customary birthday cake for every child living in the UK—but she hasn’t had once since she was about eight. Still, she’s having fun with Ahsoka—and that’s she first time she can say she’s having actual _fun_ in a long time—so nods happily and follows her to the nearest store. “Can we get Doritos too? I’m craving them.”

“For sure,” Ahsoka nods jovially. “But if you say original flavour I will barf.”

Barriss pulls a face. “Of course not! The chili ones.”

“Thank god.” Ahsoka shakes her head and holds the door open for Barriss. “I don’t trust anyone who says they’re favourite Dorito flavour is original.”

Barriss chuckles and they emerge from the store with a Colin the caterpillar, two packs of chili Doritos, two plastic forks and a two-litre bottle of own brand lemonade. Ahsoka, who knows the area far better than Barriss, leads them to a quiet spot by a lake full of ducks where they can enjoy their illicit feast. As a general rule Barriss doesn’t love sugary foods too much and is quite health conscious but sitting under a willow tree and watching the ducks float by with Ahsoka makes it taste all the sweeter.

“I’m gonna have to decapitate him.” Ahsoka says sadly, holding her fork to Colin’s head.

Barriss puts a hand over her heart. “Well, he’s already lost his stomach and back end. I don’t think he’s got much chance anyway. You might as well just put him out of his misery.”

Ahsoka nods solemnly. “It’s the humane thing to do.” She slices off the cake’s head and chews off his face with one bite. 

Barriss giggles and takes a gulp of the bottle that they’re sharing. She thinks Ahsoka looks rather nice, sat across from her with her cheeks stuffed full of cake like a hamster as she tried to chew it down. Part of her wonders if this is what normal people her age do, if Ahsoka’s is enjoying this as much as she is and wouldn’t rather be at some party or bar or pub. She really hopes not.

Finally swallowing, Ahsoka laughs with her and holds her hand out for the lemonade. “You’ve got a really cute laugh. Anyone ever tell you that?”

Looking down into her lap, Barriss shakes her head. “No.”

“Well, you do.” Ahsoka tells her quite matter-of-factly. “I was worried you’d think I was an idiot for suggesting this, with you being a _sophisticated_ student and all and me being…well, me.”

“Not at all!” Barriss exclaims quickly, perhaps a little too quickly. “In fact, to be honest, I was a little worried you’d think the same about me. That you’re…humouring me, I guess.”

Ahsoka’s shakes her head vigorously. “Are you kidding? I think you’re really fun. It’s rare to find another girl my age who wants to hang out at all, let alone come out and demolish a Colin. I know we don’t know each other that well yet but…I think you’re really great, Barriss.”

The med-student doesn’t think she’s felt this fulfilled in a long time. “I think you’re really great, too.”

Ahsoka rolls over so she’s laying on her stomach, arms propping her up so she can rip into the poor cake again. “I haven’t really had a chance to talk to your acrobat Mum a lot since I arrived, so I’m still curious. Do you know why she decided to come back?”

“She said it’s because she was sick of her old job, and with me in a stable position financially and educationally she was finally free to quit.” Barriss says. “Not super exciting.”

Humming in acknowledgment, Ahsoka frowns. “It’s weird, how families get mixed up with the circus. It’s like however long you’re away from it, you’ll always come back. You know my Mum worked at the circus, too?”

Barriss didn’t know, so perks up. “Really?”

“Mhmm.” Ahsoka put the fork in her mouth. “She was raised in a circus in the US with by my Grandad and we all moved here when I was five. Over there she was seen as ‘exotic’ or whatever, ‘cause of our vitiligo, and Grandad thinks that’s why they hired her as gross and disrespectful as that is. My Grandmother had it too, but she’s long gone, but now I’m going way off course.” She shakes her head. “Anyway, my Mum got a job with Qui-Gon—she was actually the acrobat they hired after your Mum left—but it didn’t pay that well, so we moved to Manchester so she could get a better job for a bit.”

Curious, and cautious that this story may not have a happy ending given that no one’s mentioned Ahsoka’s mother once, Barriss chooses not to probe any further. After a moment, Ahsoka continues.

“She was in a car crash after six months away. Qui-Gon was dead too by then, so I came right back to live with my Grandad and Obi-Wan.” She drops the fork and turns away. “I can’t even really remember her, now.”

Barriss bites her lip. “I’m so sorry, Ahsoka.”

The girl shrugs, but it clearly does bother her a little. “Nothing to be sorry for. I had it pretty good, all things considered—Obi-Wan, Anakin and Grandad Plo have been all the family I need. I love them more than anything else in the whole world. You must feel the same about your Mum.”

Barriss recalls the playful way Anakin and Ahsoka interact, the jokey and clearly deeply fond connection she shares with Obi-Wan and wonders if that is true. She loves her mother, of course she does, but she doesn’t know if it really is the same thing as Ahsoka has with her own family. Her relationship with her mother is loving and yet mildly uncomfortable, fond and yet strained—though why, she can’t imagine. Luminara isn’t exactly the warmest of people, so much so that Barriss has often felt alone even when they’re sitting right next to each other. It’s quite easy, especially as a teenager, to believe someone doesn’t love you if they’re never telling you and barely showing it.

But at this point she’s more secure, or secure enough to know that her mother does really love her. Perhaps not in the jovial, light-hearted way Ahsoka and her adopted family love each other but with a fierce loyalty found nowhere else. She only wishes, less now than she did when she was younger (but still frequently enough) that her mother might show it.

“I don’t know what it’s like to lose a parent,” Barriss says slowly. “But I do know what’s like not to have one. I mean, having a father must be great but I’ve never felt like I really needed one. My mother…she never told me about the circus until a few weeks ago, the night before we first came down. Sometimes I feel like I don’t really know her at all.”

Ahsoka takes her hand and squeezes it. “That sounds tough.”

“It is!” Barriss exclaims, feeling quite validated. “I want to have a close bond with her, like you do with Anakin and Obi-Wan and your Grandfather, but it feels like she doesn’t. I don’t know what she’s scared of, but it’s left her…” Barriss sighs, pulling her knees to her chest. “Cold.”

Crawling closer, Ahsoka looks to her empathetically. “I don’t wanna sound presumptive, but have you tried talking to her about all this?”

Barriss scoffs. “I could never. That’s far more awkwardness that even I could take—and I’ve once been so tired that I mislabelled the vena cava for the aorta!” Ahsoka blinks, face entirely blank. Barriss feels her cheeks heat up in embarrassment. “Sorry. Biology joke.”

“Ah.” Ahsoka nods in understanding. “It’s probably funny! I’m just not an anatomy wiz.”

Barriss sighs. “Not absolute _nerd,_ more like.”

Ahsoka raises an eyebrow. “Come back and look at me and Anakin’s preserved insect collection and then tell me again that I’m not a nerd.”

The older girl laughs, reassured, and takes a piece of the poor battered Colin onto her fork.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am vaguely aware that this fanfic has become circus au meets jules projects about things she misses doing with her friends  
> i hope you enjoy anyway! pls comment if you enjoyed, reading them gives me life


	3. if you don't love me now, you'll never love me again (never break the chain)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> drama! relationships! chaos!

Luminara, in her perhaps misguided acceptance of Obi-Wan’s invitation, realises she has no idea what to wear. ‘Going to dinner’ is quite ambiguous in terms of dress code, and while she probably should do the easy thing and ask him, for whatever reason her feet remain rooted in her tent like the sight of him would kill her. With a sigh of exasperation, Luminara pulls on a pair of trousers with a pretty white blouse. She quickly decides that might be far too formal since it’s something she would have worn to work at the university.

She quickly changes, this time opting for a simple black jumper with a pair of jeans. Too casual this time? On the off chance he takes her somewhere fancy she won’t be let through the door, for all it’s comfortable. Stripping off a second time, Luminara fishes out black dress from the bottom of her things that she’d thought had been a waste of space when she packed it and tries it on. It takes a little tugging—the skirt falls below her knee and the square neckline leaves her collarbones exposed—but she finally decides that if she doesn’t settle on this then she never will, so calls the outfitting a day.

Dress code issue aside, the truth is that she hasn’t been asked to dinner in years. She’d been asked for the odd staff drink at the local pub but never elected to go, and an actual _dinner…_ well, not since she was in her late twenties at least. Not that she’s _wanted_ to be asked—in fact, she has taken pains to make it clear she’s not remotely attracted to anyone to the extent that, perhaps, she could have come across as cold in the past. Still, this is sort of unfamiliar territory for her so that might explain why she’s feeling so stupidly nervous.

Headscarf secured at the back of her head, Luminara sits down at her little desk and spins her mirror to the right side. Makeup is one vanity she does allow herself on the daily, so proceeds to refresh her eyeliner and opt for a darker shade of lipstick. Obi-Wan’s never been too bothered makeup and all of that, he likely won’t even notice, and that’s something she’s happy with. She’s not doing any of this for _him,_ sometimes she just…likes to feel presentable in her middle age.

A whack at her tent’s pole startles her to almost smudging her eyes, and she sighs in annoyance. “You ready?” She hears Obi-Wan ask from outside.

“Yes, one second!” She calls back, slipping her phone, wallet and lipstick into her pockets. With everything on her, she heads out to meet him. “You look great, ‘Nara.”

She waves him off. “I look distinctly average. Where are we going?”

“Ah, well that’s a surprise.” He winks. “You’ll have to wait and see, m’lady. But we do have two stops.”

Luminara raises an eyebrow. “Are you out of petrol?”

“That’s all part of the surprise!” He exclaims, waving his fingers like a stage magician. “But now you mention it, it might actually be three stops. I can’t remember how much Quinlan drained me.”

She laughs. “I expect nothing less.”

After filling up, Obi-Wan pulls his car to a stop outside an old Chinese takeaway that’s far enough from the city centre to be considered obscure. Luminara, for her part, is filled with delight at the sight of it. “I can’t believe it’s still here!”

“I didn’t want to assume your order, so thought I’d ask at the last second. It’s still just as greasy, I promise.” He smiles, and she’s reminded of why she loved him so much as a girl.

“As much as I appreciate that, my order’s not changed.” She replies. “But do get prawn toast, won’t you?”

He puts a hand over his heart. “The fact you think I _could_ forget wounds me.” He says it with a pout.

“I think I might just come with you to make sure.” She decides, to which he rolls his eyes and locks the car behind her. To her delight, the takeaway barely has been renovated in twenty years—the minimal furniture is different, but the counter is the same, the chef is the same and it still has a little collection of lucky cats waving by the window—as is customary with most places like it. How she had almost forgotten about this place she doesn’t know, since she spent a good quarter of her meals during her GCSE’s wolfing down spring rolls and duck noodles just outside with Obi-Wan and, when the fancy struck him, Quinlan.

The owner, a much older but familiar Mr Lim, squints at them as they give their order. Eventually, a spark of recognition lights behind his eyes. “Not little Lumi?” He asks. “And Kenobi?”

“The very same.” Obi-Wan smiles.

“The order hasn’t changed.” The older man chuckles, passing it behind him to the chefs. “I must say, you, little Lumi, haven’t aged a day.” He then glances to Obi-Wan with amusement. “I can’t say the same for you, though.”

Luminara laughs. “You flatter me. And poor Obi hasn’t aged terribly—he’s not so hard on the eyes, I suppose.”

“This is doing wonders for my ego.” Obi-Wan grumbles. “Had I known I’d be roasted upon arrival I might have opted for kebabs instead.”

Mr Lim scoffs. “As if. You know all their chicken is frozen, right? Our ingredients are _only_ fresh. Mostly.” He shakes his head in dismissal. “ _Anyway,_ how are you two? It’s beautiful how these things work out. Did you ever have any kids?”

“Yes, I—” Luminara stops as she understands the implication of the question. “Oh, you mean _together?”_

The man nods. She glances towards Obi-Wan in surprise and something passes between them before she, with a grin, nods to the man. “Yes, yes. We have three, four if you count Quinlan—the delinquent who spray painted his face at the train station by the library if you remember.”

Mr Lim laughs. “That’s wonderful! You know, I _always_ knew you two would end up together!”

“What can I say, that’s just how soulmates are!” Obi-Wan exclaims, taking Luminara’s hand and kissing it gently as she fans her face dramatically. Mr Lim chuckles and hands off their bags, wishing them good luck in life and hope that someday they’ll return again. The pair leave the shop laughing, Luminara shakes her head as the enters the car.

“Kissing my hand? Reminded me of when you were in Romeo and Juliet, do you remember?”

He nods. “What can I say, once a thespian always a thespian. I was a rather dashing Romeo, if I do say so. Who did you play in that, I don’t remember?”

“Oh, I was in the chorus—not that I had any interest in participating, anyway. Wasn’t Quin Tybalt?”

Obi-Wan nods fondly. “Yes, I had quite a lot of fun killing him publicly three nights in a row.”

He drives them out to the park where they set themselves up with a blanket and lay out the various boxes of food. Feeling unbelievably more comfortable and nostalgic that she thought she would, Luminara looks to Obi-Wan with a smile she couldn’t banish if she tried. “Thank you for this. I didn’t realise how much I missed…well, everything.”

He shrugs modestly. “We haven’t had a lot of time to just catch up. I figured it would be…nice.”

“It is.” She says, taking a spring roll from its bag. “This all makes me really question why I left in the first place.” It’s a light comment, and she doesn’t mean anything by it, but he suddenly becomes very quiet and contemplative. Chewing slowly, Luminara narrows her eyes at him. “What?”

He quickly shakes his head. “Nothing. You want some rice?”

“Obi-Wan, what is it?” She asks, leaning forward to put her hand on his arm.

He smiles at her, but it doesn’t meet his eyes. “Nothing. Just trying to remember the last time we did this, that’s all.” He quickly steers the conversation into another direction and things become very light again, like they had been before. Luminara is no longer worried about the status of this evening—if it’s a date then it’s been very well concealed, and she’s far too happy to dwell on it. But there was clearly something he wanted to say or ask that he didn’t, so when they finish and are ready to head back, she dares to broach the subject again.

When she asks, he hesitates again, threading his fingers together uncertainly. “I just…it’s been bugging me for so long and I’ve never—it’s just, you’ve answered my question a million times but I’ve never understood the answer.”

She frowns. “What question?”

He looks to her, his pretty blue eyes saddened. “Why did you leave us all those years ago, Luminara? Why did you _really_ leave me?”

Luminara swallows thickly. “You know why, Obi-Wan.”

“I know you were pregnant, but I still don’t get it. Did you not trust that we’d be there for you? We’re your family, ‘Nara—did I ever make you feel like it would be weird between us?”

She sighs and leans back against the seat, looking purposely away from him. “I thought I would be able to give Barriss a better life in Cambridge. That’s all. It was nothing to do with you, Obi-Wan, I promise.”

He doesn’t seem to believe her. “Really? You thought it would be easier to be…to be totally alone?”

She doesn’t love to think about it a lot, but he’s not entirely wrong. It _was_ very hard in Cambridge for a long time, especially given that people weren’t exactly as liberal as they are now about young unwed mothers. It took a long time for her to build relationships and even then she never met anyone she could call a friend like she can Obi-Wan and Quinlan. She had thought, at the time, that it was the best thing she could be doing for Barriss but when her daughter grew up as isolated and friendless as she had made herself all her decisions came under scrutiny.

But there’s no point dwelling on what could have been, she reminds herself sternly. “I was a child with a child, Obi-Wan. I didn’t know what I was doing. I was…scared.”

He sighs. “Right. Okay.”

They drive back together in silence and Luminara can’t help but feel that their wonderful evening has been tainted. Perhaps that’s because he’s unsatisfied with her answer, the same answer she’s always given people. And perhaps he’s unsatisfied because after all these years she’s still not telling him the truth. Or, not the whole truth at least.

He walks her to her tent, wishes her sweet dreams and goes on his way. It’s later than she thought it was so Barriss is fast asleep when she checks on her, face pressed into her pillow. Luminara smiles softly, pulling her blanket up so Barriss’ shoulders are covered and kisses her gently on the forehead before going back her own side of the tent.

Hours later, she’s still awake.

Luminara Unduli realises that she’s still scared. She’s terrified.

Sleep eludes her.

* * *

It’s the night of the dress rehearsal, and everyone is buzzing with nerves and excitement.

The opening night is completely sold out, which Ahsoka attributes to her fine advertising skills, but they normally sell tickets at the door too should someone have not seen the link to their website (a website that was dutifully created by Anakin, and is run by Aayla). Everyone’s performances have been practised and perfected a million times, but since they’ve got a new act Obi-Wan’s insisting on having a full dress rehearsal in costume the night before to make sure everything flawless.

Ahsoka snorts as Barriss tries to paint two identical red triangles under her eyes. “Stop moving!” the older girl moans, trying to hide her amusement.

“Sorry.” Ahsoka smiles. “It’s just your lips. They go all pouty when you’re trying to concentrate.”

“Shush.” Barriss commands.

Her costume is fun and comfortable—an almost ballerina esc outfit with a pretty, sparkly blue tutu and glittery leotard underneath. Her favourite part has to be the harlequin tights which sneakily don’t cover her feet so she can grip the rope properly. She pretty sure Barriss likes it too, from the way her eyes linger when she thinks Ahsoka isn’t looking.

“There.” Barriss hands Ahsoka a mirror, finally. “You’re all set.”

“Thanks!” Ahsoka looks over Barriss’ work approvingly. “You’re quite the makeup artist.”

“I’m sure Aayla would have been a lot better.”

“For a first attempt, very good.” Ahsoka reaffirms. “Right, I need to warm up. You need to scuttle out the front—the audience is a very important part, you know, we took a lot of pains in casting you.”

Barriss nods. “Of course. I’m sure you’ll be great.”

Ahsoka winks and gives her a salute. “I’ll do my best.”

The older girl retreats from backstage to the front and leaves Ahsoka alone with her thoughts. Backstage before a show is always a little chaotic—last touch ups to costume are being done, people are warming up and chatting nervously. For her part, Ahsoka doesn’t really get nervous anymore. She has a lot of confidence in herself to do her part well, and if she’s feeling good then she’ll perform well. That said, when she first started performing in the real shows three years ago she tended to be a lot more nervous so, with that thought in mind, she looks around for Luminara.

They haven’t really interacted all that much since the ex-professor returned, but she’d like to wish her good luck anyway. It’s common curtesy if nothing else.

She can’t see her as she looks around but it’s not a tiny troupe so suspects she might have slipped outside. Ahsoka’s instincts prove correct and finds Luminara stood just outside the tent in full costume shivering and smoking.

“You know those really aren’t good for you, right?” Ahsoka jokes as she sticks her head out which makes the older woman jump. Her eyes widen in embarrassment but Ahsoka sticks her hand up to stop her moving. “It’s fine though, I won’t tell.”

Luminara sighs in relief. “Sorry. I know it’s bad—and I gave up years ago, I swear—but…well, nothing else calms me down quite like this disgusting habit.”

Ahsoka nods. “That’s okay. Everyone’s got their rituals. I just wanted to wish you good luck, Barriss is super excited.”

At that, she smiles but it’s watery and riddled with nerves. “I’m glad.” She says, it’s not very convincing.

Wanting to go back inside but opting against it, Ahsoka tentatively asks, “Are you…good?”

Takes one last, long drag and the stamping the cigarette out, Luminara nods. “Of course. Let’s go back inside, Obi-Wan will kill us if we’re not all there for his little pep talk.”

“Right.” Ahsoka holds the curtain open for Luminara who walks in without looking back—her limbs stiff an uneasy like they could snap at any second. She can see, properly for the first time, what Barriss might be talking about when she refers to her mother as cold.

She listens to Obi-Wan’s usual encouraging spiel, which is still sweet for all the times she’s heard it before, as he heads out to introduce the show to their one guest with all his untouchable gusto. She spies Luminara stretching her legs out on a yoga mat to their left, expression slightly lifted when Quinlan approaches her undoubtably with a joke on his lips. It’s enough to reassure the young tightrope walker that she’ll be fine and focus on herself.

Knowing Barriss is her audience only makes her the more eager to do well, and as such her act goes perfectly. She dances across the rope like she was born to do it—enjoys the little looks of panic she spies in her audience’s face when she pretends to stumble of lose her grip. She finishes with a full split on the rope, her hands outstretched in flourish as she focusses on her balance, and then slips off into the podium of one her towers as Barriss claps and Obi-Wan moves onto the next act.

“Great job, Snips.” Anakin claps her affectionately on the shoulder as she climbs down, to which she jumps forward to hug him. He laughs under his breath. “Hey, what’s all this for?”

She pulls back, unable to wipe the smile off her face. “Nothing.”

He shrugs. “I gotta Vos’ firepit ready. See you in a bit?”

“Sure.” Ahsoka nods, letting him go off as she makes a beeline towards Barriss who’s sat on a hay bale looking at Aayla mess with a diabolo intently. “Hey!” She whispers, sitting herself down beside her.

“You were amazing!” Barriss whispers back, eyes wide with wonder. “I was so convinced you were going to fall during that end part, are you alright?”

Ahsoka winks. “All part of the act, I promise. I think your Mum’s up next, look.”

The entire ring goes dark before a spotlight finds Obi-Wan at the front. “Now, ladies,” He says in his dramatic ringmaster voice. “I present to you our newest act, our most spectacular, gravity defying Lady of Light! She has come from far to perform for you today, so hold in your awe as she dazzles you!”

A low rumble of music starts to play and the light moves to the centre of the ring where Luminara stands with a stream of silk in each hand. With slow, rhythmic movements she starts to scale the silks, twisting herself into extraordinary shapes mid-air as she does. Every now and then she’ll drop dramatically, every weave of the ribbon purposeful in her support which always sucks a gasp out of Barriss. If nothing else, Ahsoka has to admire how strong her arms must be as she supports her body steadily in the air like it’s nothing.

She’s angelic, and it makes sense suddenly why Obi-Wan had such a hard time replacing her. Ahsoka wonders absently if her mother had been this good, if she’d been so beautiful.

When she comes back down to the ground Barriss and Ahsoka shoot up and clap wildly—Ahsoka tries to whoop and cheer enough to make for a whole audience. But, unlike most other acts, Luminara does not stick around long enough to smile at then; she runs offstage before she can even take a bow.

If something was really wrong then they’d stop the show, but it goes on as if nothing’s happened. Barriss and Ahsoka exchange a look, but don’t move.

Ahsoka returns to the stage for the final act which is a sort of joint performance between everyone—Aayla and Quinlan circling around the edge, the various dancers, firebreathers and clowns parading with them. Luminara is elevated on a pair of metal stilts in the middle of the ring—balanced on her hand as her back folds in on itself so her feet can clap in front of her face and Ahsoka on a tightrope above them all. It runs smoothly, perfectly, and Barriss assures them it’s the best thing she’s ever seen. Everyone’s so exhilarated that things are going to smoothly (and certain it’ll be just as successful with a proper audience) that Quinlan announces a party in his tent.

Once she’s back down, and still in costume, Ahsoka runs to find Barriss amidst the commotion. She eventually spots her helping someone with their corset and smiles almost out to her ears. “Barriss! Are you gonna come to Quinlan’s tent with me?”

She suddenly looks a little shy. “Oh…I don’t know. I don’t drink, and it seems like one of those kinds of parties. I might just get to sleep.”

The dancer she’d been helping thanks her and moves over, as Ahsoka frowns. “You don’t have to drink if you don’t want to. We can still have fun, I promise!”

Barriss doesn’t look convinced. “I don’t know…”

“You can’t stay with this company and not have been to at least one of Quinlan’s parties. We don’t have to stay long if you don’t want, just a little while?” Ahsoka pleads, sticking her bottom lip out like a toddler.

The older girl sighs. “Alright. But I might regret this.”

“You won’t, I promise!” Ahsoka grins. “Give me five minutes to get changed, I’ll be right there.”

* * *

Deciding to skip Quinlan’s rowdy tent party altogether, Luminara makes a quick escape to her own tent and settles in her room. Her makeup is half off when she hears the familiar but not entirely wanted banging on the tent pole. “Are you coming, ‘Nara?” Obi-Wan asks. He sounds a little more hesitant than normal, something she can’t really blame him for given how awkwardly their last talk ended.

Luminara sighs and rolls her shoulders back. “I think I’ll give it a miss, Obi-Wan.”

“Okay.” He replies. There’s nothing else so she figures he’s gone off to join the others, so she proceeds to wipe away at her second eye with cotton pads. One thing she did _not_ miss about this job was the force required to remove the seemingly immovable eyeliner.

Content after a while that her face is as cleansed as it’s going to get, Luminara stands up and changes into her nightdress. It takes a while to take all the pins out to let her hair loose but when she’s finally done she can feel her entire body relax. Just as she’s about to go to bed, maybe read a couple chapters of her book, there’s another bang against her pole.

She sucks in an exasperated breath. “Yes?”

“Luminara I—” It’s Obi-Wan, and if she had to guess from the tone of voice she’d say he’s had a couple shots. “Can I talk to you? It’s important.”

She bites her lip and sighs. “I’m not—you can’t see my like this, Obi-Wan. Can it not wait until morning?”

“No, no.” He says with his own brand of confidence. “I can wait a few minutes, if you want.”

Luminara pauses in contemplation before saying, “Give me a minute.” She quickly pulls her hair into a knot at the back of her head and covers it—throwing on a blanket to cover the rest of herself for good measure. Finally, half hoping he’s got bored of waiting, gives him permission to come in.

He does as he is bid and blinks as if in surprise at the sight of her. She narrows her eyes. “What was so important that it couldn’t wait until morning, Obi-Wan?”

“You were _amazing._ ” He breathes, holding her eye contact like a hostage. There’s something else under his words, something more than a compliment, and it makes her feel unsteady.

“Thank you.” She says lightly. “Is that it?”

“No I—I just came to make sure that you, that you—” He groans and runs a hand over his face. “Sorry. I’m really cocking this up, aren’t I?”

“Maybe a little.”

“It’s just that you’re incredible. As an acrobat, of course, but more than that…as a _person._ ” Her eyes widen in surprise, and she tries to tell herself that he’s a little drunk even though he’s standing perfectly still. “You’re beautiful and brave and smart and…maybe I can’t just sit here and watch you get bored of me again. Maybe…I want you to stay this time. To be with me. I know this job, for you, is a temporary thing but—” He inhales deeply, tearing his eyes away from her. “Maybe I can be more permanent?”

Luminara blinks. “Of course, Obi-Wan. I’ll be sure to keep in contact more when I—”

“ _No!_ ” He seems genuinely upset by her words, which confuses her only further. “I’m trying to tell you that I want you to be here, with me! Not in an email every few years, not as co-workers or childhood friends but as _us._ I’m asking you to me with me, Luminara. To give me a chance like you didn’t last time.”

“Oh…” The weight of what he’s saying finally sinks in, and Luminara feels herself take a step back. “Oh, Obi-Wan.”

Her tone is too apologetic, and he gets the message. “I get it. You didn’t like me like that back then, and you don’t now. God, I’m stupid. You’re never going to stay here for me.”

She is not at all satisfied with that conclusion and grabs his arm before he can leave. “Obi-Wan, please. You don’t really still think I left because I was bored with you or I didn’t…”

“Because you didn’t trust me to care for you?” He smiles sadly, so sadly.

“No!” She exclaims. “I told you before, I had nothing to do with you. I missed you _so much_ for so long but I could never bring myself to tell you everything, I thought you’d…I don’t know—” She buries her face in her hands. “Now _I’m_ the one telling it all wrong.”

He steps back in and puts his hand gently on her shoulder. “Tell me what, Luminara?”

Cursing herself, Luminara swallows down the tears that prick at the back of her neck. “Have you ever heard of Rohypnol, Obi-Wan?”

“I don’t…” He furrows his eyebrows in thought. Something terrible dawns on his face as he remembers, and he looks to her in shock. “That’s that drug—it’s Valium but…”

“The date rape drug.”

He looks horrified. “You don’t mean…don’t say that…”

“I couldn’t stay here because I was terrified, Obi-Wan. Before I left something happened and…” She says, her voice thick with unshed tears. “I’ve…well, I’m not _over_ it but I’ve had time to process since and I’m more comfortable being around you all. It’s not your fault, it just happened while I was with the company and I…I just couldn’t breathe here. I felt trapped and terrified and when I found out I was pregnant I just ran away. I couldn’t raise Barriss somewhere where I felt unsafe.”

Obi-Wan’s eyes shine over with tears. “I can’t believe…you felt unsafe? Oh god, I should have known, I should have picked up…what can I do to help you? I must have been so insensitive.”

“No, no, no!” She quickly exclaims. “Please, I’m okay. It was more than twenty years ago, I’ve been able to move on for a long time now. That person is _long_ gone, and I have Barriss now, and you’re all back with me. I was just scared that you…you’d let that colour your view of me. Just as a victim who was running away, like I need to be protected or I’m helpless.” She sucks in a deep breath.

“Luminara, you’re the strongest person I know.” He tells her. There is such sincerity in his eyes that she feels her stomach twist and flutter—something inside her that’s been frozen for so long starts to melt.

She looks at him fondly. “It’s late. I should really get some sleep, and you too. We’ve got a big day tomorrow.”

“You’re right, as ever. I’ll see you tomorrow, Luminara.”

“You can count on it.” She nods, pressing a soft kiss to his cheek and enjoying the way his cheeks go red as a tomato.

That night, as she drifts off to sleep, she starts to wonder if she made the right choice telling him the truth. It’s painful and terrible and hurts to even think about, even now, but telling _someone_ for the first time is…it’s like a weight off her shoulders. Like she’s not alone.

Like maybe she trusts Obi-Wan enough to make him a permanent thing.

* * *

Meanwhile, in Quinlan’s tent under flashing florescent lights, Barriss thinks this might be what MDMA feels like.

She’s jumping up in a hundred directions with her hands in Ahsoka’s, people are screaming and singing so loud she may as well be deaf and she’s been offered foreign substances at least four times. Even so, and despite this in theory sounding like absolute torture to her, Barriss is having a _great_ time.

Ahsoka tries to spin her but there’s so many people in such a crowded space that she trips and falls—fortunately close enough to her friend that Ahsoka can catch her. She flushes at the contact and quickly pushes herself up. “Thank you!” She tries to shout over the noise.

The younger girl pulls a face. “What?”

“I said—” Barriss tries, and then realises it’s no use. Instead, she gestures towards the flap that’s acting as a doorway and Ahsoka catches her meaning, following her outside. The tightrope walker nods in understanding and they walk out together. “I was just trying to say thank you.” Barriss smiles, bashfully.

“Oh!” Ahsoka laughs. “Are you having nice time?”

“I’ll admit that it’s more fun that I expected.” _But it would be miserable without you._

Ahsoka winks and points a pair of finger guns at her. “What did I tell you? All we need to do is find you an act now, and you’re one of the company.”

“As much as I’ve come to admire you all, I’m really not performer material.” Barriss assures her. “Unless you count ballet from when I was seven.”

Ahsoka shrugs. “Everyone’s gotta start somewhere, right?”

Barriss nods. “I suppose. Ahsoka, can I tell you something?”

The girl winks. “Always.”

“I…” Barriss trails off, trying to centre herself. “I just wanted to say that I’ve never had a friend like you. I know we’ve only known each other for a little while but…well, I’ve really loved getting to know you. And I hope…even though I’m going home soon, we can remain friends?”

Ahsoka frowns. “Hey, I’ve been having a great time too but…but why you gotta go so soon? What does soon even mean?”

“Well, my invitation was for the week leading up to the opening night.” Barriss says. “So the plan was I go home the day after tomorrow.”

“But…do you have to stick to the plan?”

Barriss blinks. Not sticking to a schedule is not something she’s ever thought much about before, as silly as it sounds. “No I suppose not, but my mother might get sick of me being in her tent and—”

“Then stay in my tent.” Ahsoka quickly cuts in.

“But I thought only family were supposed to stay in tents together.” Barriss counters—and then berates herself, why is she fighting back? She _wants_ to stay!

Something unreadable passes over Ahsoka’s face, and then she quickly darts forward and plants a quick kiss on Barriss’ lips. The girl in question gasps in shock and stumbles back, starring at her friend wide-eyed. “Padmé’s always sleeping over at Anakin’s. So…I guess the rule is girlfriends can stay too?” When Barriss says nothing, Ahsoka looks mortified and bites her lip. “Oh god, I’ve completely misread things, haven’t I? I guess I just got caught up in all the—”

“No!” Barriss interrupts her, sticking her hand out to stop her. “It’s not—it’s just that I’ve never, well—this is all happening quite quickly.” She sucks in a deep breath and take Ahsoka’s hand. “I’m not saying _no._ I’m saying…do you want to share a tent, and we’ll see what happens?”

Ahsoka beams. “Fucking hell, Barriss! I was about to shit my pants I was so embarrassed.” She runs forward to give Barriss a hug, which the older girl gladly accepts.

She had thought, even before her mother had said the words, that this circus was something wrong. That it was a blip in her mother’s—and indirectly her own—life, had even put it down as a sort of midlife crisis.

A midlife crisis it may remain, but she can now definitively say it’s not wrong.

It’s funny how much your life can change in a week.

Barriss eventually pulls away, not able to wipe the smile from her face. “I need to do something quickly. I’ll be right back, I promise.”

Ahsoka gives her a salute. “Of course. I’ll head back in.”

The med-student runs across the field towards her mother’s tent and slips into her mother’s section to find Luminara is sat up in her bed reading a book. She looks to Barriss quizzically. “Yes?”

Barriss is panting from running and suddenly her mind reels blank. She’d felt so empowered after everything that just happened with Ahsoka, felt like she’s likable and nice and worthy of friends and happiness for the first time in forever. It’s was a sense of closure she hadn’t known she was looking for, and the only thing remaining on her faulty list from there is her and Luminara’s relationship. But in all her flurry of confidence and excitement, all her desire to run to her mother and tell her that, _yes,_ she did make her feel alone! And she still does sometimes! Her mind reels blank.

Swallowing and feeling her posture deflate, Barriss’ eyes dart away from her mother’s. Luminara looks confused more than anything else. “Can I do anything for you, Barriss?”

Barriss thinks about Ahsoka’s smile, about all the fun she’s had the past week, and nods. “I just want to tell you that I’m going to be staying on with the company for a while. But Ahsoka invited me to move to her tent…so I’m going to.”

Luminara smiles at her. “That’s wonderful, Barriss. I’m very happy for you.”

“Yes.” She tries to hold her head up high but imagines, to her mother, she looks a little like a toddler presenting a new drawing she’s proud of. “I also…I wanted to tell you something else. But I don’t—you’re my mother, and I know that, but I don’t always feel that. And I want to feel that more. If that’s okay.”

The older woman frowns and puts her book down. “What do you mean?”

 _Now or never, idiot._ “I just…I was looking at the way Ahsoka and her family interact, how much they just _love_ each other and…we’re nothing like that.”

“Everyone is different Barriss, and so is every relationship. They’re not any worse or better than each other.”

“But our relationship _is_ _worse!_ ” Barriss exclaims. “Do you know how much time I spent when I was a teenager thinking you didn’t care about me? You’re just… _cold._ And I love you—I swear I’m not just trying to upset you—but I just didn’t always feel like that. And sometimes I still don’t. Like…when you announce you’re moving away to join a circus, and you tell me I can come too if I want. Why didn’t you say you _want_ me to come—that you _like_ to have me around, that I wouldn’t just be, I don’t know, a burden? Why do you hesitate before you hug me once in a blue moon and hold me at arm’s length the rest of the time?”

Luminara’s eyes are trained on her blanket and she doesn’t move a muscle. Barriss stops, taking a breath, and watches her nervously. When her mother says nothing, Barriss mutters, “I’m sorry…I didn’t want to upset you, I didn’t mean it—”

The acrobat holds her hand up to stop her. “No. You wouldn’t have said it if you didn’t mean it, it’s alright. And I’m only upset because…because you’re probably right.” Luminara sighs and runs her hands over her face.

Barriss feels guilt creep up on her like a ghost. “I’m sorry, anyway. It was a while ago mostly and I shouldn’t burden you with—”

“No! No, Barriss, please,” Luminara stands up and takes Barriss’ hands in her own. “You shouldn’t be sorry, it’s perfectly alright. You were always such a quiet child and I—at some point I must have mistaken silence for contentment, and that’s my mistake not yours. _I’m sorry_ that I made you feel like you couldn’t tell me this, like you were alone. I love you more than anything else and I think, if I’m being introspective, that feeling was a very new and odd emotion for me. Familial love. But that’s not an excuse—and all I can do now is promise that I’m going to try and be better. Be the mother you deserve.”

“Oh, no, I—” Barriss bites her lip as tears prick at the back of her throat. “I didn’t mean…I’ve been thinking so much about myself, about how all of this has affected me that I haven’t even consider how you might have felt…”

“Shh, darling.” Luminara wipes the single tear that falls down Barriss’ cheek with her thumb. “It’s alright. I’m a big girl, I’ll be alright—it’s you who is far more important. You were all I had for the longest time, Barriss, and I made the mistake of not making you feel special, like you weren’t my world. Don’t even try and turn this around, I beg you.”

Barriss hurriedly nods and then leans forward to bury her face against her mother’s shoulder. Things are never going to be perfect, but maybe, just maybe, they’ll be so much better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yay! only a little epilogue to go now
> 
> Also, after watching way to many aerial acrobatics videos, this is the one that gave me the most luminara energy if you’d like to watch a very cool lady in the air: https://youtu.be/yc7VnNwARu4


	4. now, you know how happy i can be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> happiness! i think

FIVE YEARS LATER

“Ah, my little girl is all grown up!” Quinlan sniffles, dabbing at his dry eyes. Luminara rolls her eyes and turns away from him, taking a proper look at herself in the mirror.

“You’d think at almost fifty years of age you’d be over the dramatics.” She scolds lightly, though an amused smirk plays over her lips.

He groans. “Please never say that again. Let’s not talk about me—this is your day, Lumi.”

“We’re going to a courthouse for twenty minutes and then leaving to get a Chinese. It’s hardly my _day,_ Quin.” This may all be true, but it’s first time she’s ever gotten married so deep down she’s very excited. Nowhere near as excited as everyone else, mind—Barriss and Ahsoka have acquired bridesmaid dresses for themselves, Padmé and little baby Leia for the occasion and Luminara’s pretty sure it’s all massive overkill. But if that’s what makes them happy, she’s hardly going to deprive them so allows their frivolity in the knowledge that things won’t be a tenth as grand as Anakin and Padmé’s own wedding a few years ago.

She’s dressed a white sundress that’s by no means a proper wedding dress but is content enough in it. She feels pretty, and she’s hardly in her twenties anymore, so has no desire for anything large and dramatic.

“You ready?” Quinlan asks and she nods.

“Yep. Are you driving or am I?”

He scoffs. “As if I would make you drive on your own wedding day! Honestly, Lumi, you wound me. As your pseudo-father, I would have hoped you’d have a better opinion of me by now.”

Ahsoka and Barriss are waiting for them by the car in their matching bridesmaid dresses, apparently trying to lure a squirrel down from a dress with an old cereal bar they must have found in Quinlan’s car. At the sight of her mother, Barriss bats Ahsoka to stop and approaches her with a smile.

“You look beautiful, Mum.” She beams.

Luminara nods in appreciation. “Thank you. You look wonderful too—Ahsoka did a good job picking out those dresses.”

“And you said they were too dressy!” Ahsoka exclaims from behind her girlfriend. “Everything’s gonna be perfect, today Miss Unduli, I promise.”

Ever since she started dating her daughter years ago Ahsoka has gotten into the habit calling Luminara ‘Miss Unduli’. She never did before, and she’s been told a hundred times that ‘Luminara’ is just fine—but the ex-professor would be lying if she said she doesn’t find it quite amusing. “I thank you, Ahsoka. Should we get going, or do you want to spend more time on that squirrel?”

She’s joking, but apparently Ahsoka doesn’t pick up on that. “Nah, that squirrel was being a right bastard. What kind of tree rat isn’t into Nature Valley bars?”

“Try not to take it personally.” Barriss cuts in, opening the back door for her girlfriend as Luminara gets into the passenger seat.

The trip to the courthouse is about ten minutes max, and that’s on a bad day, so Luminara takes the time to enjoy the light bickering in the backseat (current topic is whether a year old granola bar would actually cause any health problems—tightrope walker is currently beating the doctor). When they arrive, Padmé is stood outside bouncing an unhappy looking Luke up and down.

“Is he alright?” Barriss asks as she gets out of the car.

Padmé sighs. “He’s fine, just whingy is all. Leia’s getting a lot of attention in her dress, and I think he’s feeling a little jealous.”

“Ah, that’s not fair!” Ahsoka says. “Say, Luke, you look awful handsome in your little suit. Come, let Auntie ‘Soka have a proper look at you.”

The boy’s mother seems relieved to hand him over. “I dress fancy.” He tells her, with a sniffly voice.

“You’re looking very fancy. Doesn’t he look real grown up, Barriss?”

“You do.” Barriss agree solemnly. “I only worry that you might overshadow Obi-Wan on his wedding day, with how dapper your Mummy’s dressed you up.”

Luke nods, settling in Ahsoka’s arms and wiping his chubby little fist against his eye. “I’m _gentleman.”_

While both the self-appointed bridesmaids faun over the little boy, Padmé approaches the bride. “Are you ready? Obi-Wan’s waiting inside with Anakin and Leia.”

Luminara nods. “Oh, yes. If everyone else is good to go then I am.”

The actual wedding is over very quickly. It’s rather flattering how Obi-Wan looks at her like she’s decked out in a princess dress with flowers in her hair, though she’s really just happy that they’re finally married. It’s been a long time coming, as they ever wise Mr Lim predicted, and it’s a relief to have arrived at a point in life where she’s completely content—where she’s not scared, or empty, or trapped.

Once it’s all over, the small party retreats to park—Quinlan sent off to get them Chinese, and the Colin the Caterpillar that’s serving as their wedding cake already purchased and ready by Ahsoka. With everyone happily sat out on the grass, Luminara leans over and rests her head on Obi-Wan’s shoulder. “Thank you.” She says too quietly for anyone but him to hear.

He narrows his eyes. “For what?”

She makes a general gesture. “You know. This.”

“Well, if a caterpillar is all it takes to please you then I think this marriage will be a smooth ride.” He jokes to which she rolls her eyes, pulling on his collar to plant a kiss on his cheek. He takes advantage of her proximity and pulls her closer, kissing her properly.

It takes less than ten seconds for someone to have a problem, and the faint sound of Ahsoka fake gagging in the background makes the newlyweds chuckle even as they don’t pull apart.

Barriss pulls a Bluetooth speaker from her bag and throws it to her girlfriend who grins, for the millionth time thanking whatever mystical force brought them together. “Hey, lovebirds, you gotta respect tradition before you turn this into an orgy!” She exclaims, flicking through her Spotify. Obi-Wan grumbles something about disowning her but Ahsoka steadfastly ignores him, exclaiming with triumph as she finds what she’s looking for. “First dance, you two! Come on, get up.”

“Aren’t Luminara and I supposed to pick our own song?”

Ahsoka glares at him. “You abandoned that right when you came empty handed. I picked one you’ll like though, I promise. Up!”

With a groan of effort, Obi-Wan pushes himself to his feet and then offers a hand to Luminara who manages it much more gracefully. Ahsoka presses play, and the ever familiar opening of _Daydream Believer_ plays throughout the park. He chuckles and offers his hand to Luminara. “May I have this dance, my lady?”

She bows her head. “Just this once.”

He puts one hand on her waist, she puts one on his back and they move together through the first verse as their happy audience happily clap and sing along.

“Cheer up sleepy Jean!” They sing. “Oh what can it mean, to a daydream believer and a homecoming queen!”

Luminara gestures for everyone to join them and they’re all on their feet—Ahsoka spinning Barriss, Quinlan lifting an unwitting Anakin and Padmé jumping with her excited children. There is a small tragedy in that they could have all been together much sooner—if Luminara had come back, if Obi-Wan had reached out sooner, if the world had been kinder to them. But in the end there is no evil tyrant keeping them apart so, once things finally started to fall in place, there is no excuse not to be happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a short little happy ending, because im a sap. i hope you enjoyed this weird au, writing for these ships never gets old for me ! if you did enjoy this story then pls do leave a comment, it always makes me super excited to see them! <33


End file.
